Dear Mom ~ Thanks

Happy Mother's Day Mom!  

Look, I'm making you famous on my blog!  I hope you are enjoying your weekend at the spa with T.  

Since you are away, you probably haven't gotten the cute card I sent.  Well, actually, you probably haven't gotten it because I'm sitting here looking at it right now.  It really is cute and I bought it way ahead of time so that I'd get it to you before you left on your weekend spa trip.  Unfortunately, the Swine Flu hit and I haven't been able to get to the post office.  You know how it is with those pandemics...

I know you are proud of how together I have it.  How thoughtful and kind I am when it comes to occasions like this.  What really sucks is that now that Stew (my brother and in this picture above) is married to Super Woman, I know you'll have had a card and flowers and all kinds of gifts send to you.  I'm not the good kid anymore and I'm thinking I might embrace this new reality and just go for it.  Maybe I'll get a tattoo or something just to show you how OK I am with my new found badness.

I wanted to say thanks for being such a great mom all these years.  There are several things in particular that I'd like to thank you for.

1.  Thanks for scaring the crap out of me and making me think that if I took aspirin it would kill me.  My fear of anything chemical has been seriously instrumental in keeping me away from drugs.  Unfortunately, the whole beer and wine thing has definitely brought me half way to Bettie Ford a few times.  No worries though, I did learn to drink the expensive stuff so nobody has a clue.  

2.  Thanks for being from Scotland.  The whole "my parents are European freaks" came in handy when facing peer pressure of any sort.  When made fun of for wearing the same pair of pants two days in a row, when begging others to trade my apple for their Hostess Cake, when my curfew was 10pm while other's got to stay out until midnight, you name it and the "European freak" excuse was a cool enough cover for any situation.  

3.  Thanks for not clueing me in to the fact that several of my boyfriends were complete losers that would never amount to anything.  When I found my husband it was GLARINGLY clear to me that he was perfect because I had seen a LOT of losers!

4.  Thanks for making me walk to school whenever I missed the bus.  That was awesome because I got to become very good friends with this really popular girl whose mother drove her to school every day.  Their car was so much nicer than the bus anyway.  I'm pretty sure that clinched my social standing for most of middle school, so thanks for that.

I love you for so many reasons, Mom!  I hope you are having a great weekend!

Love,

Fiona

Proposal For Improving The Blonde Family's Timeliness

If marriage is a partnership, does that make family a "business"? 

If I were to be reviewed by an independent party (not by my partner because he knows better) in my "business" right now, I think they'd recommend that I be fired. There are many many reasons I could be fired, but let's just take timeliness under consideration today.

We are late everywhere. We are becoming that LATE family.  I know I'm not alone, but I am not willing to continue in this direction.  It makes our family look inconsiderate and it makes me look bad.  And I'm not bad, I'm just temporarily (for about the next 15 years) discombobulated.

Prior to children, I was one of those people who was always on time, and by on time I mean I was a freaky perfectionista with OCD and arrived five minutes (ok, twenty minutes) early to any appointment whether it was business or personal.

Slowly over the years, with the addition of children to our family, the five minutes early has progressed to five minutes late and (gasp), on occasion, twenty minutes late.  This is embarrassing and a source of great angst for me!  

Being chronically late is disrespectful.  It shows you are unorganized and incapable of getting your poo-poo together.  (I really want to say "shit" but swearing is so un-classy) Who wants to deal with someone who doesn't have their poo-poo together?

It bothers me when people are late to meet me, and the fact that we can't get anywhere on time is really pissing me off.

So, what to do?

I'm not really sure.  Leaving 15 minutes before I would normally leave without children doesn't seem to work, even when I give a five minute warning.

Here is what I propose....

If we are to be somewhere at X:00 we will all line up at the door one hour before the required drive time begins for a head count.  All wining, complaining, and wardrobe changing will take place and be completed within 15 minutes.  We will then pile into the car and any teasing, hitting, punching, crying, etc shall be taken care of within the alloted 5 minutes time.  I will pull out of the driveway one half hour before I should have to.  If we arrive one half hour early to said destination, which is highly unlikely, we will read stories quietly, do homework, or sing together like the Von Trapp family.  

Problem solved.

I would love to know what you do in order to keep your family on time.  What are some things you have tried?  Have any of them worked?

Do You Know Someone Who Snores?

If you are married you probably have nights, on occasion, sleeping next to your spouse, where you find yourself peacefully (or not) listening to the symphony of sounds that permeate the air of your marital blissdom.  

I am allergic to my house, well to be precise, my dog and all the hair in the duct work that I keep forgetting to get cleaned.  So, it is no surprise that I wheeze a little at night and probably even lightly snore.  Some nights I take a Benadryl because my ears and throat are so itchy that I can barely stand it.  The need to simultaneously scratch your tonsils and inner ears with your tongue could drive a person insane.

Have you ever been sleeping and heard a horrible, rumbly, scary sounding snore, and in your subconscious you think,  "Crud, we've only been married for 12 years and it is likely to get worse, how the hooey (I'm trying to give up swearing for lent) will I ever sleep during my 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's?"

Do you have thoughts like, "Will we have to resort to separate rooms just so we can get some zzz's?"  

One night this week the Sleep Dragon visited our room growling and spitting something awful.  

I listened to the disgusting noises, willing myself to stay asleep.  In my mind I began to recall my Dad's snoring.  Growing up, my room was actually below theirs, and I NEVER heard a sound or footstep, but in my teens I began hearing this terrifyingly loud rumbling noise coming from above and all around.  The walls and floors would vibrate in a rolling crescendo as if a freight train were coming through one side of my room, heading out the other and then looping around the house, only to come back for another visit a few seconds later.  How on earth did my Mom sleep through that?  

Then I thought "Good lord I can feel that noise in my throat, what must be wrong with him?  He needs to wear those nose pad breathing things that footballer players wear....uuuooooogh, ghooooooou, uuuooogh, holy moly, I can barely breathe that noise is so loud...   I think that boy needs to see a sleep specialist.  uuuooooogh, ghooooooou, cough, cough, sputter ----eeeeeeeeeeek!!! ---- (sitting bolt upright)  SHIZBIT (that isn't a swear is it?) that was me!"

The First Signs of Spring.....

It has been so warm here in Denver that the Ice Cream Dude has decided that it's time to break out the "cool ride" and cruise the neighborhood. 

My older kids have super sonic hearing and perk right up when they hear the sound of mobile sugar.

Yesterday, I was out walking with K, who is three, when we heard the tinkling sounds of spring.  I instantly tensed up and swore under my breath.

I have nothing against Ice Cream Dude.  I'm sure he is a very nice guy, but the mesmerizing tinkling musical truck gimmick he uses to peddle his over-priced garbage seriously ticks me off. 

When K heard it she turned to me with big eyes and said, "Mama!  That song is boodiful" and then skipped down the sidewalk twirling to the tune of "Sugar on Wheels".

The truck slowed as it approached us, clearly targeting us, stalking us.

K was loving the attention, spinning along enjoying the music.  She pointed to the truck, looked up at me with those big innocent blue eyes and said, " Mama, why that nice man playin' moosic?  He makin me happy."

I told her, "That's the music man, he makes people happy, isn't that nice?"

"So nice, Mama."

Ignorance is bliss..... 

You Are Gonna Love My Nuts!

YouTube is such a time suck.  I'm completely useless for at least an hour if someone tells me to go look at something on that site.

Today I came across my old buddy Vince, the Sham WOW guy.  (You can read about my obsession with the Sham WOW here.)  He was peddling a new product, the Slap Chop.  

I am speechless.  This dude should be up for an Academy Award for being able to deliver these lines with a straight face.  He actually says, "You are gonna love my nuts.".  For real, he does.  Watch this and be sure to keep a Sham WOW handy for when you pee your pants in disbelieving laughter!

Stay Out of My Toy Box ~ And Go Suck an Egg

So, now the government wants to get into your toy box!

Unless you've been living under a rock you've probably heard about the West Virginia state lawmaker, Jeff Eldridge, and his bill proposal to legally ban Barbie (and other dolls) from being sold in the state of West Virginia. He believes the dolls influence girls to place too much importance on physical beauty, at the expense of their intellectual and emotional development.

My favorite quote in response to this comes from Khloe Kardashian:
"He can suck an egg, seriously. He's probably butt-ugly and always wanted a girlfriend that looked like Barbie but could never get one. People like that really annoy me."

Now Khloe, as much as I agree that the dude should go suck an egg, let's not make it personal.  Hmm, let's see what this dude looks like, shall we?

So, not a total Moe but I'm not lovin' the foo and someone should send a memo telling him that Brandon from 90210 called and he wants his sideburns back.  The guys at Queer Eye could totally have fun with him!!  If we got him a makeover do you think he'd lay off Barbie?  

Anyway, I'm smart and capable. I have a daughter and I intend to let her play with Barbies. (Although, I have to admit so far the lightsabers, and Rescue Heroes have taken center stage.)  

Come to think of it, why not outlaw all those stupid Super Heroes?  Aren't we concerned that our boys will have low self esteem when they figure out that they cannot spin webs, leap tall buildings, and see through things?  And frankly, I haven't seen too many men built like Superman in my neighborhood lately.  Trust me, I would have noticed.  All I'm seeing is dunlop, muffin top, couch potato action.  Although, the guy who came to clean the gutters was pretty ok, too bad he was like, 12.  

All I'm saying is that maybe Barbie has an unobtainable body but geeze, she is a DOLL. Why not remove all the fashion magazines from your shelves that are showcasing LIVING women? Why not shut down all the movie theaters that are showing anorexic actresses? Why not remove television from peoples homes so that they aren't exposed to damaging images of actual real life beautiful people?

I would also argue that most (notice I didn't say all) women and girls should be given a bit more credit for being able to determine the difference between reality and a DOLL. A doll that promotes creative play is not to blame for the value society puts on looks.

I remember spending hours as a little girl playing with Barbie. I had a friend who had a whole closet dedicated to Barbie stuff. We created elaborate story lines that lasted days, weeks even. Not one of my memories has to do with what her body looked like.

So what if she lives in a Dream House, shacks up with a hottie named Ken who drives a Corvette (does he still drive a Corvette?), and owns a cruise ship?

So what if her closet houses couture we only dream of and 50 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes? She is also an astronaut, a doctor, a veterinarian, school teacher, and successful in dozens of more professions. The girl is making some serious jack so let her spend it... maybe Barbie will stimulate the economy for us.

Barbie lives a fantasy life, a life created and acted out by very creative and imaginative girls (and perhaps a few boys). Should we not encourage and allow our little girls to dream? Why not?

Mr. Eldridge has tragically misplaced his concern. I would urge him to look for something a little more productive to spend his time on.  In the meantime, sir, Go Suck An Egg!

Sham WOW Wednesday - The Sham Wow Song

My Mom thinks my obsession with the Sham WOW is unhealthy.  I don't know... The men in white coats aren't banging on the door yet, but they may be soon because the screaming banshee that has possessed my youngest child is driving me to something a lot more unhealthy than a Sham WOW obsession.  You may soon see me sunning myself by the pool next to Britney and Lindsey at the Circus or whatever that rehab retreat is called.   

I digress...

I appreciate love you all sent Jack last week, he was very flattered.   Not that I was jealous of all the attention or anything, but he wasn't able to make it today.  Something about filling potholes with Cheetos...   today's Sham WOW segment comes directly from something I stole off his Facebook page so it's just as good.

Watch this video and be sure to cover your computer screen with something waterproof to protect it when you spit all over in laughter.  

Bust a gut my friends, the Sham WOW song.....

ShamWow Song (lyrics from Vince Offer) @ Yahoo! Video

25 Random Things About Me (because you know you care)

If you are on Facebook chances are you have received this tag from at least 87 of your closest friends.  I ignored it over and over and over, but one day I realized that people really do want to know who I am.  They love me, need to know more about me, want to laugh with me, and get me to share secrets with them.  

So, I finally sat down and wasted precious moments on this crazy list.  I could have been blogging instead.... wait!!  Perhaps YOU also care that much about me!!!  

Here it is:  25 Random Things About Me 

1. I'm a closet slob
2. If I didn't have a cleaning lady I'd be a house slob
3. Bryer's mint choc chip ice cream is dreamy. I like to mush it up into a cream and savor every bite, right down to the bottom of the tub.
4. I was the worst, laziest, slowest runner on the track team in high school (remember?) but I now run half marathons regularly and enjoy it.
5. Oh, and I don't vomit 2 minutes into a run anymore. But my ankle still clicks; helps me keep pace.
6. Speaking of vomit, I once barfed on Kacki's shoe on the way to Jonathan's and she still agreed to be my Maid of Honor.
7. I was never the greatest of violinists but now that I don't do it professionally I'm pretty impressive!
8. I'm really proud of my brother, Stew. His band is famous and he married the most rockin' girl who has a family everyone wishes they had!
9. My mom is the most beautiful, strongest, kindest person I know.
10. My husband loves me lots and I'm still trying to figure out how I got so lucky. I love him, he is my uberdude!
11. Yeeesh, I'm only on 11....
12. I have been trying to quit drinking diet coke for at least 10 years now.
13. I get panicky on skis but can snowboard down anything.
14. I am considering botox, and other plastic surgery
15. I'm too chicken to every actually have botox or plastic surgery
16. I love Gossip Girl, 90210, and all those silly teen dramas
17. My middle child Henry is named after a Thomas The Tank Engine train
18. Am wondering if anyone is actually reading this
19. I'm actually 4' 11'' - I've been lying my whole life and saying that I am 5' - definitely 5' with shoes on so leave me alone.
20. When I answer the phone at my house people still ask if my mother is home.
21. I love the book, Eats, Shoots & Leaves, even if it makes me a dork.
22. Motherhood is world changing, I was meant to be a stay at home diva, I mean mother.
23. This list is painful
24. I love words. Playing, writing etc. I can beat almost anyone (except sometimes my mother and Dixie) at Scrabble. I'm the Pathwords queen. I like words, I like playing with words and letters.
25. I'm a closet geek, I think.

The Cost of a Girl's Day Out

This is me and my Sista (as in sorority sister - Gamma Phi Beta - Vanderbilt) Leslie.  Leslie lives not too far from me, but we don't get to hang all that often so we ditched the families this weekend and headed to Beaver Creek for a day of kid-free skiing.

We had such a great time.  Talking about everything you could imagine.  I love how time between two good friends seems to stand still.  It was jut like hanging out at Vandy a decade ago (errr.... ok, more than a decade).

My hubby watched the kiddos for the day.  He is really great with the kids, loves spending time with them and never begrudges me time with friends.  I love him for this.  In fact, next weekend I'm going away for three whole days to ski with some girlfriends.  He rules!

In this economy, one must consider the cost of such outings.  In looking over my expenses from this weekend I am trying to determine if it was worth the cost.  I have broken down the costs incurred on Saturday's trip:

Cost of Trip with Leslie:

Gas - $30

Lift Ticket - $0 (I have a season pass)

Equipment - $0 (own it)

Clothing - $0 (already justified by cuteness factor months ago)

Lunch - $0 (met up with old friend and parents treated us to lunch)

Free Babysitter - (Uh..... Take a look at the aftermath and let me know what you think I should charge Sweet Love of My Life for his services.) 

I'm thinking $30 sounds good.  So....

Free Babysitter (-$30)

 

TOTAL COST:  $0

Is it worth the cost?

You betcha!

Strange Orbs Invading

Anyone else confused? 

 

I'm not exactly breaking news here because this has been out for several months now.  I blog about this in my head all the time, though.  

The first time I saw it I was driving down Colorado Boulevard.  I noticed this huge orb-like thing on a billboard.  No words, just it.  

To this day I am fairly certain that it is a booby trapped mind spell.  I was so distracted trying to figure out what the heck it was that my big gas guzzling Mommy bus swerved into another lane.  A very grouchy woman in a Mercedes sedan lay on her horn, and do you know what else?   She called me a very naughty word!  

Biatch!  Can't you see I'm hypnotized by that giant Pac Man thing?

WTH is that?

Is it supposed to be a sort of Yin Yang thing?

Reminds me of one of those 70's airline logos.

Must... not... look... directly... at... object....

In the back of mind I was thinking, "If Pepsi is rebranding itself they should seriously fire the people behind it."

Ooops!  It actually is the new Pepsi logo! 

If you google "new pepsi logo" you'll find all kinds of hoopla and speculation.  I 'm not really interested enough to actually read about it, so I just skimmed enough to learn that there may or may not be some intricate formula behind the new design.  

Whatever, please just take it off the billboard so I can drive in a straight line!   

OH, and get this.  Apparently Mountain Dew is now Mtn. Dew.  In this age of twittering and texting, are we actually going to degrade an all time classic beverage?  

Next weekend when I go skiing shall I update my facebook profile with "heading to the mtns"??  

Not me, can't do it.  Not cool enough.  My inner geek won't allow it. 

  

I could care less about the Pepsi UFO saucer hypnotic logo thing, but Mtn. Dew?  How do you even say that?  My Jersey friends always say "Mou-in" - would it be sort of like that?     

I'm pretty sure I couldn't drink a Mtn. Dew.  Just doesn't feel right.

  

I'm a Diet Coke girl.  In fact, I've been faithfully trying to kick my Diet Coke habit for a full decade now.  So, have fun with your logo on an acid trip and your lazy abbreviated Mtn., and whatever other beverage silliness comes along.  I'll be white knuckling my steering wheel down Colorado Blvd. praying for the day they replace the mind control billboard.... all while sipping on my Diet Coke.

A Bit of Advice....

Today's blog is in the form of important advice for those of you who may already have children.  Those of you who do not yet have children may want to store this one for later.  This one is an absolute GEM, so pay attention:

When your day starts with a wet bed (your child's, not yours, if this happens please consult your doctor), a pair of new shoes that absolutely can't be worn because they might get dirty, two glasses of spilled milk, forgotten homework, a $97 bill from the Denver Public Library threatening to report you to the credit bureau if you do not return Arthur's Annoying Day at The Dentist (or something like that) and then you notice a nice reminder email that it was actually your week to make the playdough for the Kindergarten class, well, let's just say that this run on sentence should be the least of your concerns.

If you invite a sweet little girl over to play with your 3 year old daughter and she beats her up and tells her that she wishes she would leave, you may be feel exasperated.  Perhaps a bit overwhelmed or even mortified.  When the toilet overflows you might be a bit disgusted, until you realize that it is raining poopy toilet water in your laundry room, where all of the networking equipment for the entire house also happens to be stored.  At this point you might be feeling nauseous, and at the same time heroic, for saving your husbands geeky, nerdy, overly techy "stuff".   If, later in the afternoon your daughter hands you a permanent marker and asks you to come admire her artistry, you are shocked to see that her room is covered in black permanent ink, you might need to "take a moment".  Especially if you understand the economic impact of permanently destroyed plantation shutters (forget bailing out the banks people, this is serious stuff!).  When your older children come home from school you might be slightly taxed by having to convince the older one that life is actually worth living, that he may have to suck it up and endure the difficult 3 page homework assignment.  Jumping from the top bunk might seem like a good idea now, but the trip to the ER would seriously get in the way of watching the next TIVO'd episode of Clone Wars (translation my 8pm date with a bottle of wine).  If you are still reading, I'm begging you to just stop obsessing over how I should punctuate this blog entry.  My piece of advice is just around the corner.    Are you ready for it?  Here it is:  After a day like this, you may want to consider calling in for pizza, or just sending the kids over to the neighbor's house for dinner.  My advice is that you should definitely, absolutely, under no circumstances, for the love of GOD, DO NOT consider making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. 

My Dear John Letter

Dear John,

Sweet husband of mine, I have a story to tell you.  Remember how just before the holidays you told me I had two weeks to get an appraisal for my engagement ring?  Remember how when I went to have it done they told me there was a 5 week wait time because of all the holiday purchases being appraised?  Remember how I decided to just wait to have it appraised after the holidays?  I know our new policy is waiting for that appraisal and that my ring is uninsured.  Here is the not so funny part of this.... There is a crack in one of the baguettes.  Not just a scratch but a deep all the way through crack.  I took it in yesterday and they say it needs to be replaced before they can appraise the ring.  It will take ten days for the estimate on the cost of a custom cut baguette.  Our genius gem queen friend is my next call, surely she can help me for less?  I know you are wondering how someone cracks a diamond.  I've had the question at least four times in the past two days and I haven't formulated a good answer yet because honestly, I have no idea.  I know being a stay at home mom is a pretty rough contact profession but I'm not recalling any diamond busting moments.  Perhaps I should stop doing laundry?  Cooking?  Cleaning?  Just in case?  I think this is the safest bet.  These things are just too tough on my precious ring and too costly to continue. 

In the mean time, If you are looking for me I'll be working the night shift at the 7 Eleven down the street.  Shouldn't take me but a few months of all nighters to remedy this unfortunate situation.  Stop in and I'll sneak you a freshly defrosted taquito and a Cherry-Coke slurpy.  It'll be awesome.  We can make out behind the counter, hiding from the video cameras.  You could dress up as a security guard and pretend to save me from robbers.  I'll chew Hubba Bubba and blow the biggest bubbles you've ever seen.  I could even get a tattoo and pierce my nose just to fit the role.   

Heck, after 12 years of marriage this whole situation may be just the spice we need to feel young again.  Just think, if I'd been responsible and left my ring at the jewelers for 5 weeks we'd never have this exciting opportunity.  We are so blessed.  

Your Loving Wife,

Fiona 

A Bit of Banter

This is it!  My very first time ever blogging.  I'm so excited to blog.  BLOG, I love the word.  I'm a blogger.  The word just sounds so sophisticated in a hip, not so sophisticated way.  Somehow saying, "Just a minute Sweetie, Mommy is just finishing up this blog entry" sounds so much better than, "Just a minute!  I'm busy on Facebook, Nana is beating me at Scrabble again and I just need to IM this person back...."

Anyway, I'm finally blogging after spending a day trying to find a title that was available.  All of my really unique and creative titles were taken.  So, here I am the Bantering Blonde.  I love the word banter - to speak or act playfully or wittily (as defined by Merriam-Webster).  I fancy myself to be a playful and witty kind of gal, even if there are those that disagree.  I love banter and that is what I'd like to do as I blog in my new status as a blogger.  Blog bloggity blog!