Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Dirty Little Secret ...

It's true.  I'm coming clean with my Dirty Little Secret. It'll take a little explaining....

I am not just The Bantering Blonde, many of you know me as the founder and voice of the MomActive media shenanigans. I have such a passion for MomActive because I love fitness and health and the idea that we can influence our children in healthy and positive ways. 

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time you'll have some idea that our family and community has suffered several terrible tragedies involving the death first of a friend, then of two children, and a few months later a whole family.  Life is often hard enough, and when you get blindsided over and over, you begin to look for what is next. It isn't a healthy way to live.

The very first time I wrote about my struggle was in this post, "I Name You, Grief.  Get off My Ass".  This was about a year ago now.  I was in the midst of the "depression" phase of grieving.  The reaction was positive and people left comments and sent emails thanking me for the post.  It was reared as my "best post ever" by some, but others weren't quite comfortable that I would admit that I was gaining weight and drinking too much wine; bad PR.  Bad PR. At the time, there was a big part of me that agreed.  How could I get on the radio every week and pretend to motivate people to be their best for their kids, when I myself was drowning in ick, throwing myself into my work and just surviving?  I felt like a fraud. I felt bad.  I kept making grand gestures and efforts to try to get myself better.  I wrote posts and vlogged with the hopes that a public declaration would be what my mind needed to snap out of it.  Meanwhile, I was living a fairly high profile life, attending conferences, recording web casts, and appearing on my MomTV show.  Each time I headed out to meet people in person I knew that the weight I had gained was going to be a surprise... not what anyone expected from me.  My closest friends were always supportive, and since weight is a struggle for most of us, I think there were those that felt comfort in my struggle - I am real. It's just a part of My Dirty Little Secret.

Last November I went to see a new doctor - he's a GP but just happened to have had lots of experience treating wacks like me.  I like this guy.  A lot. He had me go through my family's history with depression and anxiety - something I don't often discuss. I had sought help in my early twenties when I became paralyzed by anxiety during grad school. It was an awesome experience because I was able to take advantage of all the University had to offer in terms of therapy, doctors, biofeedback and other services.  I learned to be introspective and self aware, things that are difficult for many people to do.  In any case, my new doctor is a no BS kinda guy and has forged a "partnership" with me.  It's been a journey for sure but over the months I have begun to get better. (yes, this means that I took medication.  different meds, different dosages .... until the lights came back on in my soul. Flame away, think what you will, I am good with it all.) 

I can honestly say that I've been quite well since early April.  I've lost 12lbs and I recognize myself again.  I feel in control and it is a huge relief.  I've started making changes to my business structure, and have shifted my focus to allow me to pursue the type of work I love in the industries that are related to my passion for health, fitness and wellness. You will start to see MomActive organizing events and even travel retreats, where we'll focus on empowering women and guiding them towards living passion filled lives.  At this time we have two dates sketched out and details will be forth coming!

I am real.  I struggle just like you do, but I'm medicated so I'm probably much happier :P  It's my Dirty Little Secret.


10 Responses to "My Dirty Little Secret ..."
  1. Amy B. said...
    May 16, 2010 at 1:34 PM

    It's the little secret of many, many women out there, which makes it not so dirty, after all. Glad you're feeling better!

  2. Cheryl said...
    May 16, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    Thanks for sharing Fiona! The more awesome women like you keep talking about will no longer be considered a "dirty little secret" You rock. Thanks for being my friend and an inspiration!

  3. Anonymous said...
    May 16, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    Had no idea you had been dealing with so much loss in your life. You've always been such a firecracker, I would never have guessed it. It is good to be real, because we can all identify with each other's pain and support each other. Love you as you are, Fiona!

  4. Veronica Lee said...
    May 16, 2010 at 9:25 PM

    Thanks for sharing this , Fiona. I had no idea you were going thru so much in your life. You were always so chirpy in your vlogs but this doesn't change how I feel about you. I still think you're one cute, lovely blonde who rocks!!


  5. Lisa said...
    May 17, 2010 at 1:32 PM

    Oh Hun seeking out help next month you are not alone in this dirty little secret!

  6. Sara @ Saving For Someday said...
    May 17, 2010 at 4:41 PM

    Better life through prescription medication my friend! Thank you for being brave and putting your feelings and thoughts out here. I understand your pain and struggle. Loss can be difficult. I've experienced that spiral down and balloon up you speak of. Truly, you are not alone. Unfortunately, it is a secret. We're afraid to speak about it for fear of 'looking weird'. Many of us are just to chicken to say it out loud b/c we don't want to lose our jobs or our business or our friends/family.

    What sets you apart is that every day, despite the pain and sorrow you pulled yourself up and did what it took to be out there. We all wear masks. Sometimes, like with the Phantom, we take them off to reveal something that no one wants to see. But, like the Phantom, there are people who will love us regardless.

    Reach out if you have to, those that reach back will never let you fall!

    I have been to hell and have seen the devil. I chose to spit in his face since I was already there. It's not as easy to come up, but you will get there. Just as I know I will too!

  7. Dee said...
    May 18, 2010 at 6:44 AM

    don't take it the wrong way but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

  8. Petit Elefant said...
    May 18, 2010 at 7:44 PM

    I love it when people share glimpses into their real lives. I think a lot of us are just hanging by a thread sometimes.

  9. 1234sediki said...
    May 19, 2010 at 3:04 PM

    Fiona...I've always loved you...

    With or without your wine, or other "stuff". You have ALWAYS been cute, fun, and down to earth. Whether here, or at "home"... I've not been for several months now to the feebay Home Site, and I truly do miss all all of you.

    As for this competition...

    Sweetie, you really summed it up for me!

    "Before I vomit, I have to say one thing. I think these girls are spectacular dancers for their age and they are clearly having a good time. My heart is breaking for each of these girls because they've been unwillingly thrown into a massive debate over what is and isn't appropriate for little girls their age."

    Good Job Girl! SweetestSue...:-)

  10. Jessie said...
    May 27, 2010 at 12:52 AM

    Good post. Motivating and always interesting to see that the things we think are taboo and so uncommon really aren't that at all.


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