This will go down as "the post that started out as a blonde joke and turned into a revelation of metabolic (yes, metabolic - you'll have to read on to understand) proportions"!
Have you ever been listening to everyone around you go on and on about something and thought, "Yeah sure, whatever." and then two months later when they are still going on and on thought, "Hmm maybe I should try this." ?
Ok, so I'm sort of a fitness snob and when I kept reading bloggers going on and on about Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, I poo-pooed it. I am a fitness freak. I work out almost every day. I practice yoga three times a week. Until this past year when I allowed grief to get into my diet, I was fairly focused on healthy eating. How could a silly DVD really be "all that"? Guess what? I'm not poo-pooing it anymore. It has been 3 days and I hurt. Like "ouch" hurt. Sore hurt. I feel my body changing and I'm LOVIN' it.
I should back up and give you a little background.....
I haven't been able to get to the gym since my daughter finished school in mid-May. If you'll remember, I made the mistake (actually, eye-opening non-mistake) of turning to the Wii Fit a few weeks ago. The animated freaky Fit Bitch announced with joy that it had not only been 229 days since I'd been to visit her, but she also told me how much I had gained. Now, I know ya'll think it is just a few pounds because I'm still sort of not fat. The reality is that my BMI had gone up a LOT and for the first time in my life I had fallen into the "overweight" category. I didn't reveal this the other day because it was so shocking to me but, in that 229 days I had gained over 14 pounds. That isn't just an extra Oreo here and there, people.
Random Tragedy. Grief. Another RANDOM tragedy. Stress. Grief. All within a year, has CONSUMED me.
Each time I think I'm "admitting" how the trauma of the past year has affected me, I think I'm moving on and doing better. Each post where I have poured my heart out seemed to be the turning point for me. My loyal readers cheered for me, supported me and were relieved when I returned to making them laugh again. I would get a week into "doing better" and then I couldn't hold it together. I didn't care. Drinking a bottle of wine while eating a Chipolte burrito and a pint of Ben and Jerry's really did make me feel better. What was the point of stopping?
This worked until I was unable to button my "fat pants". Then it worked until I couldn't button the next size up. And now I'm on to another new size... you see where this is going? I'm a train wreck and for the first time in my life, I can empathize and totally understand how people let themselves get fat.
I used to think "How do people let themselves get that fat?". I get it. It would be very very easy for me to continue feeling like crap and consoling myself with copious amounts of food and numbing myself with wine. I feel awful. My face feels swollen. My body is relatively toned from all of my working out but the fat rolls are starting to poke through!
It is my need to exercise which has kept me band-aided together this year. It is yoga that has kept me from the brink of an embarrassing emotional breakdown. My body is strong and it is in a battle to hold my mind back from complete despair.
Fourteen pounds in a year. Not good. Not good for my heart or any of my other organs. If I continue on this path I will be obese within a year. (Writing that statement just knocked the wind out of me.)
So what is different this time?
It might not be different this time.
I can write and tell you that I have overcome and that Jillian Michaels is going to save my life with her 30 Day Shred, but the reality is that no one thing is going to turn me around. Death sucks and I am changed forever. I have to create a new reality with grief, how ever difficult that may be.
In three days of doing the "Shred", I do actually feel in better control. I consider myself well educated in the area of health and fitness but no amount of knowledge seems to have kept the french fries out of my mouth. I think the high intensity of the "Shred" workouts has definitely changed things up from my normal exercise routine. I haven't been craving comfort food and I've been drinking a LOT more water. I may be benefiting from an upswing in my metabolic rate and a higher level of endorphins. This is my theory anyway.
So, my goal is to "Shred" for 30 days in addition to my thrice weekly yoga practice and regular running schedule (it is coming up on a big race season after all!). People always talk about "the wake up call" or "hitting bottom". I'm not sure if this is what has happened to me but I am acknowledging that my life has been spinning out of control and that it isn't good for me and ultimately, this effects my number one priority, my family.
Here's hoping that this is the seventh stage of grief, "Acceptance and Hope", where I can stop sabotaging myself and find a way to move forward with this amazingly fortunate and beautiful life that I have.