Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Name You, Grief. Get Off My Ass.

The Blonde is coming clean.

I've gotten sorta fat. Not fat fat, just kind of chubby.

Friends, it has been a tough winter. Our community was hit by two horrible tragedies months apart.  Both events shook us to the core, tested us in ways we've never been tested before.  I mourn the loss of a friend and her family.  I mourn for a family that lost two beautiful children and a cousin.  

My son was hit particularly hard by the first tragedy when he lost a buddy, a pal, a remarkable boy that always had time for him. An older boy that gave him confidence. A mentor who taught him. A friend that had almost everything in common with him. A boy who, when his interests and strengths were memorialized, could have been my own son. 

My son and I are struggling, and as I look back over my fatfull journey I am realizing that I was not doing as well as it may have seemed on the outside.

When I wrote last week about my struggle with "blogger's block" someone emailed me suggested that I was fighting writing about something. This could not be more true. The funny Blonde was spent. I know this because, shortly after I read that kind post, I sat down and wrote for myself and it was an extremely cathartic experience. That night I gave birth to my grief, my fear, my frustration and an understanding of how it had all been manifesting itself. It was all so personal and I do intend to post it. At first I thought I'd post it when it no longer hurt for me to read it, but I doubt I'll ever get there. I will post it soon.

Mark Twain wrote, "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."

When I first read this quote I thought, "Does one who suffers grief believe the first part of this quote? I don't think I do."  

As I pondered this quote further, I began to think of grief in a different way.  I think Grief takes care of itself in any damn way it pleases.  Grief is a greedy bastard.

In my life, Grief took care of itself by eating and drinking and now I'm fat. So maybe it does take care of itself but how can I tell Grief that it is full, satiated? 

I don't think it is full or even remotely satiated, I think Grief is going to stick around. If this is the case, Grief needs to find a new hobby.

I have gained a significant amount of weight, 18 pounds to be exact. 18 pounds on an almost five foot person is a lot.  This week The Blonde has kicked Grief in the ass and told it to find another vice because this chick isn't going to stand for it anymore.

I let go of 5 pounds and haven't let Grief eat and drink the way that it had been, but Grief doesn't want to go away. If I have to share my life with Grief how can we co-exist? Grief is a major pain in my ass, a huge downer.

I told Grief why it was here, I gave it a name but it still sits heavy on my heart. Grief keeps tugging on my brain filling it with thoughts of loss, anger, confusion and despair. I'm mostly pissed off at Grief because if he is wreaking such havoc on my life, I know of others that he will not leave alone for a moment. 

I pray for a family, a mother who I miss.  My son and I will never forget and I wish I could tell her that, because her son had such influence on who my son is today.  Her boy was older but he was my boys friend, something he'll never forget.  At a time in his life when my son struggled with confidence, with how he fit in, this boy reached out to him.  I want to tell her this but Grief keeps stabbing me in the mouth, it cripples my hand every time I want to write a letter or drop a note. Perhaps she'll read this and if she does I'd want her to know that I will continue to hold my sons hand and remember with him and that every night I pray for her and her family, I pray and cry and I grieve, I grieve her loss and I grieve the loss of her in my life.

She may not know this, but she had a huge impact in my life as a parent, she is a kind and amazingly smart and beautiful person and I'm grieving, me, who was really probably more of an acquaintance to her. I can't imagine how Grief could be taking care of itself in her life. This fact also makes me grieve, it just isn't fair. I don't understand. People always say, "there are no words". Of course there aren't. People say how strong they must be but I have to tell you, I'm pretty strong and Grief won't leave me alone. I'm little, I'm short, I'm athletic, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm the kind of person who is organized and involved in everything at school, I'm a Super Mom, and Grief put 18 pounds on my ass this winter while taking care of itself.  Grief has helped me to forget appointments and become disorganized. Grief has changed who I was and, no matter how strong a person is, Grief has a greater purpose and Grief is stronger than any person, particularly in the life of a person who has lost their babies. I grieve desperately for this reason.

Grief has me in tears as I write this.

So, while I have kicked Grief out of my kitchen and wine glass, Grief continues to take care of itself in my life. My only recourse is to clear a spot and welcome it to reside within me. I am begging Grief to find a place that doesn't wreak havoc on my health, I'm begging Grief to let me be the reliable member of my community that I used to be.

Where do I put Grief so that it can take care of itself without destroying who I am?

I am so grateful to those who follow and subscribe, to my readers who have stuck by me and emailed me on so many occasions.  My blog has become my fourth child, and I think it may have just saved me.


28 Responses to "I Name You, Grief. Get Off My Ass."
  1. Unknown said...
    April 5, 2009 at 7:54 PM

    Wow, I'm soo sorry to hear all this. I pray for you all, this must be very difficult..

  2. MediMonsters said...
    April 5, 2009 at 7:57 PM

    Sorry you are having a hard time. I firmly believe when we suffer a loss, we go through the 5 stages of grief. Some stages faster than others, but we do experience them all to a degree.


    When I lost my daughter, I went through the 1st 3 very fast, then depression hung around way too long. Acceptance is still hard for me, but I am getting there slowly but surely.

    Take care of yourself!! Sorry for the long comment, it's the nurse in me.

  3. Leslie said...
    April 5, 2009 at 8:52 PM

    Don't be hard on yourself.

    Take it one day at a time.

    Support is here.

    My thoughts are with you.

  4. Stacie said...
    April 5, 2009 at 9:47 PM

    I so appreciate your honest post. I know it took a lot of courage to even admit these words to yourself much less speak them on your blog.

    I'm sorry that you are dealing with so many different emotions that seem(ed) to be holding you prisoner. From what you've shared it looks as though you have broken free.

    Praying for you at this time and will continue to think of you during this time.

    Be well.

  5. Rebecca Anne said...
    April 5, 2009 at 10:26 PM

    Every day I discover different sources of inspiration and perspective and this day has just discovered that for me.
    I know you didn't write your post to create a beautiful look into your mind and emotions, but you did. You probably didn't expect to inspire someone, but you have. And during a time when you are hurting inside and perhaps feel a bit disconnected with yourself, you connected with someone you've never met.
    Experience does that.......
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles. Now embrace yourself, accept that in the face of what you've dealt with your reactions are perfectly normal and healthy. How do I know this? Because if you didn't feel these things, I'd wonder if you were human at all.
    Thinking of you,

  6. Shady Lady said...
    April 5, 2009 at 10:56 PM

    I hope that writing this post and the one you haven't posted yet have been helpful to you. I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I can feel the pain through your words. Sending you strength and hugs...

  7. Veronica Lee said...
    April 5, 2009 at 11:04 PM

    I'm a big fan of your site. Grab the award from my blog.

  8. Opus #6 said...
    April 5, 2009 at 11:33 PM

    I'm so sorry about your loss. Hugs to you and your family.

  9. LadyStyx said...
    April 5, 2009 at 11:36 PM


  10. kel said...
    April 6, 2009 at 5:50 AM

    I'm new here. I am sorry to hear you and your loved ones have had such a hard time lately. ((hugs))

  11. Alice Audrey said...
    April 6, 2009 at 7:06 AM

    You are the second blogger I know who got writers block when she couldn't be funny any more. The thing is, you don't need to be funny for me. Being true to your feelings is more important to me.

    Frankly, I didn't set out to be a humorous writer. It kind of snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I'm going to let it keep sneaking up on me because I know for sure if I try to force it, I'm sunk. I can't do it. I just don't have what it takes to be a comedian.

    If you need to cry, go for it. I'll cry along with you. Just don't disappear.

  12. Kathy B! said...
    April 6, 2009 at 8:02 AM

    Sadly, I have no magic words. Grief, like a violent storm, can't be put anywhere or told to go. Like the storm it will lose it's power over time.

    I'm glad that you have your blog to help you through this. Use it as you did today.


  13. Amy-GirlinParadise said...
    April 6, 2009 at 10:25 AM

    What a huge realization for you. Since you have begun writing about it, you may be surprised at how much better you feel, soon.

  14. Heidi said...
    April 6, 2009 at 12:28 PM

    Oh gosh, well--First of all, even though I know it is soooooo very hard, write that woman a note and tell her what you said here. It was beautiful and I know she will appreciate it a lot and YOU will feel so much better. Taking positive action does alleviate grief. Second, exercise--another thing that is hard to do but it will lift you up both through your serotonin levels and losing the extra weight and gaining more energy. Grief is so tough! We lived in Littleton when Columbine happened and the grief was a thick cloud that hung over everything for months. I'm so sorry that sad things have happened to people you know and love. Hugs!

  15. Sarahviz said...
    April 6, 2009 at 12:57 PM

    Thinking of you. Hugs.

  16. Kate Smedley said...
    April 6, 2009 at 1:17 PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss, grief is so debilitating. My brother was killed 20 years ago at the age of 20; I've never rid myself of the grief, it just evolves over time. My love and best wishes are with you and your family. And huge hugs.

  17. septembermom said...
    April 6, 2009 at 1:48 PM

    So sorry about all the tragedies surrounding you lately. I appreciate this moving and honest post. You are so right how grief manifests itself in so many ways. Take good care of yourself.

  18. Vi (pronounced Vy) said...
    April 6, 2009 at 2:12 PM

    it must have been very hard for you to express this. i know that i often avoid writing about important things, because if i admit them, they become more real.

    i'm praying for you, your son, and the families adn friends who have lost their dear loved ones.

    thank you for sharing this post on real life so that i would have the opportunity to read it.


  19. zelzee said...
    April 6, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    Grief can play havoc with your life. There will come a time when you will be able to let go and the sting will not be as sharp.....the getting there is the difficult part.

    We that are left behind are so very selfish...........we always wish we could have one more day. Just be thankful that your life was so blessed with their presence. There are many out there that will never know someone that made such a beautiful positive impact on their life.

    You and your son are blessed.....

  20. theothermother said...
    April 6, 2009 at 3:13 PM

    There's a lot of good advice here.

    I think you honor your friends everyday by being the mother to your 3 that they were to theirs. They left those lessons for others to learn from. Keep passing it on!

    And to the mother of Will's friend, tell her. I know mom's who have lost their children are never too sad to hear a story about them or to relive a moment. It keeps them alive when they live in the hearts and minds of others.

    You know I love you. I hope you know how many other people do, too!! You're a good, good friend!

  21. ~Kelly~ said...
    April 6, 2009 at 4:09 PM

    bb-your best post yet. tugged at the heartstrings-tears to the eyes.

  22. Minxy Mimi said...
    April 6, 2009 at 4:44 PM

    WOW< what a powerful post. ((hugs)) Grief is taking from you many things, that is true. But once grief leaves, you will be left with powerful and meaningful lessons. You are more empathetic, more kind, more loving than you were before... you have to take what you can and make it into something good. At least thats how I have dealt with it in my life.

  23. Shawna said...
    April 6, 2009 at 5:17 PM

    This is a wonderful post. I hope you come through the grief and kick off the weight. I'm sorry for your losses. It feels like this post must be a breath of fresh air for yourself.

  24. Jennifer said...
    April 6, 2009 at 11:37 PM

    Oh Fiona, I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope you were able to get a bit of that jerk, Grief, off your chest with this post. Just know that we are all rooting for you and we are all here for you!

  25. Aliceson said...
    April 7, 2009 at 3:27 AM

    What a tough situation. Everybody's different and if writing helps you work through your grief, then by all means write and know that there are people reading who support you and wish you all the best!

  26. Unknown said...
    April 7, 2009 at 2:33 PM

    Oh Fiona, this is a beautifully written post. I hope it helped you take Grief down a notch. Yes Grief is a greedy bastard, I hate the way it smacks you upside the head when you least expect it. I truly hope that you will find a place to put the Grief until it loses it's power.
    With big (((hugs)))

  27. Real Life Sarah said...
    April 8, 2009 at 6:58 AM

    It's good that you are being so honest. Bringing these feelings out into the light will only help, although it is still hard I'm sure.

    Some day, you will be able to help someone else go through this thing called Grief. You will get through!

  28. Michelle said...
    April 10, 2009 at 6:37 AM

    I really hope that your ok, and that you're on your way to putting grief on the backburner. Even if grief sits comfortably there, but allows you to get back into the swing of your life. I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope that your son is handling this as best as possible. I wish you both the best! It took a lot of courage to share this and I hope it made you feel better at least in some small way!


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