Do I feel better? No. Do I think I'll feel better soon? No. Do I feel like I might be able to figure out a way to resemble being better without faking it? Maybe.
Someone picked up on the fact that I used the word "guilt" in my video. What do I feel guilty about? This is something that I have been tossing around inside my mind for awhile now. I know what it is and I know that it doesn't make sense, but I don't care because it is something I don't really think I want to let go of. Not yet.
I feel GUILT for my sadness.
I feel extremely guilty for how the deaths of these two beautiful children have sent me into a sort of tail spin.
How can I allow myself to feel this incredible sadness, when their mother, father, and surviving sister are living through something I imagine would just destroy me?
I'm a smart gal, and I ask myself the same questions you are probably screaming at the screen right now.
So what, there isn't enough sadness to go around?
Don't you think they find comfort in the fact that their children made an impact on your life, that there is proof they were here?
It doesn't have to make sense, it just is.
What is clear is that I'm doing myself and my family absolutely no good by not taking care of whatever emotions I have, don't have, stifle, or hide.
I'm not really sure where I go from here. Have I made any progress? I'm not so sure.