Saturday, August 1, 2009

Guilt is a Five Letter Word

My video yesterday was extremely cathartic. Once I started crying on camera I cried all morning and was close to tears for most of the day. The flood gates were opened, so to speak.

Do I feel better? No. Do I think I'll feel better soon? No. Do I feel like I might be able to figure out a way to resemble being better without faking it? Maybe.

Someone picked up on the fact that I used the word "guilt" in my video. What do I feel guilty about? This is something that I have been tossing around inside my mind for awhile now. I know what it is and I know that it doesn't make sense, but I don't care because it is something I don't really think I want to let go of. Not yet.

I feel GUILT for my sadness.

I feel extremely guilty for how the deaths of these two beautiful children have sent me into a sort of tail spin.

How can I allow myself to feel this incredible sadness, when their mother, father, and surviving sister are living through something I imagine would just destroy me?

I'm a smart gal, and I ask myself the same questions you are probably screaming at the screen right now.

So what, there isn't enough sadness to go around?

Don't you think they find comfort in the fact that their children made an impact on your life, that there is proof they were here?

It doesn't have to make sense, it just is.

What is clear is that I'm doing myself and my family absolutely no good by not taking care of whatever emotions I have, don't have, stifle, or hide.

I'm not really sure where I go from here. Have I made any progress? I'm not so sure.


10 Responses to "Guilt is a Five Letter Word"
  1. Shady Lady said...
    August 1, 2009 at 12:42 PM

    Hang in there, Fiona! Time will help, it just may take more time that you'd like. I can't remember if I mentioned Louise Hay. Her book 'You Can Heal Your Life' has done amazing things for me and others I know. Check it out. And big hugs to you as well.

  2. Opus #6 said...
    August 1, 2009 at 4:00 PM

    Oh, I missed your vlog yesterday and saw it just now. Very moving. I wish you and your family all the best. And you are right about the mind body connection. Health involves every part of a person. (((hugs)))

  3. ScrappinMichele said...
    August 1, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    Guilt is such a tough one. We feel guilty if we are sad, but then if we aren't we feel guilty too. Like how can you go one with your kids when someone lost theirs? But guilt weighs so heavy on us.

    There isn't any easy answer and guilt is part of the healing process and I think we all have to go through it. Everyone's healing journey is at a different pace. You are probably at a point where you are ready for the next step. What is next? Don't know for you, but we are all here to support you and lend and ear/webcam when you need it.

    Hugs to you!!!

  4. Heatherlyn said...
    August 1, 2009 at 6:56 PM

    Like survivor guilt? Just love your kids. And breathe. Life is not fair and sometimes it is devastating. But there are also great opportunities for beauty. I hope you are able to feel better.

  5. BookChook said...
    August 1, 2009 at 8:54 PM

    I think ScrappinMichele nailed it. Guilt is corrosive, and it seems to perch on your shoulder and whisper dark things into your ear. But it is part of the process we go through on the road to healing. Acknowledging it the way you are is very healthy too.

    Hugs from Australia!

  6. Jennifer said...
    August 2, 2009 at 6:42 AM

    You know we are here for you!!!

  7. JennyMac said...
    August 2, 2009 at 7:36 AM

    I think your heartfelt emotion is touching and an indication of your depth as a person. Guilt will ruin you though...I hope you can free yourself and let it wash away.

  8. Night Owl Mama said...
    August 2, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    Hugs, Hugs Hugs
    Hurts I know More Hugs

  9. Vanessa said...
    August 3, 2009 at 10:31 AM

    There is no reason for you to feel guilt. You should never feel guilty about an emotion. You feel. It's that simple.

    You are doing exactly what your emotions need you to do. You're letting it out. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel and also allow yourself to come to terms with it.

    C.S. Lewis once said that the sadness we feel when someone leaves our lives is part of the happiness we felt when they were in our lives.

  10. Mervat said...
    August 4, 2009 at 8:11 PM

    I think a little guilt is okay as it lets us realise even on a subconscious level if we have wronged someone, even ourself. However, we need to move on, whether the issue makes sense or not, somehow.

    Best wishes


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